Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin [Rankin, Robert]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: sf_humor, Fiction, General, Humorous, Rock groups, Brentford (London; England)
ISBN: 9780385600569
Publisher: Doubleday
Published: 1999-09-01T07:16:16+00:00

The arrival of the Gandhis at precisely seven o’clock came as a bit of a surprise. And if their punctuality glared into the face of rock ’n’ roll, their appearance positively gobbed in its eye.

The Gandhis looked—

Respectable.

The four male members wore matching dark grey business suits. Their big hair had been slicked back and tucked down the collars of their white shirts. White shirts! And these white shirts were buttoned at the neck. And these white shirts had ties!

Litany, grey moustached but make-up free, favoured a demure beige two-piece number over a white cotton blouse. She wore sensible shoes on her feet and she looked like a lady librarian. She even had a briefcase!

“Jesus Jones!” said John Omally.

“By the prophet’s beard!” said Jim.

“Good evening, madam, good evening, gents,” said Neville the part-time barman.

Litany smiled upon Neville and Neville pinked up at the cheeks. “I’ve heard you draw the finest pints of Large in Brentford,” she said.

Neville’s pigeon chest came swelling up his shirt front.

“Then five pints, please,” said Litany. “The gentleman there will be paying.”

Neville glanced at the gentleman there. The gentleman there was Jim.

“Hmm,” went Neville, his pigeon chest falling. “The gentleman there. I see.”

The gentleman there had his mouth hanging open. The gentleman with him had too.

“Is that really them?” whispered John.

“It is,” Jim whispered. “It is.”

“But why are they—”

“Dressed like that? Because I asked them to, John. I didn’t want Neville getting all upset, so I asked them to dress down a bit.”

Omally shook his head. “Well, we can’t just sit here staring. Let’s give them the big hello.”

Pooley made the introductions. John shook hands all round, lingering somewhat longer than was perhaps necessary on the shaking of Litany’s.

Litany smiled up at John.

And John smiled down at Litany.

And whatever thoughts were now going through John’s head, he kept very much to himself. But had these thoughts been set to music and brought out on a CD, it is a certainty that the CD would have needed one of those labels that says PARENTAL GUIDANCE: EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT.

“Can I have my hand back, please?” asked Litany.

“Oh yes,” said John. “Won’t you all come over and join us at our table? Jim will take care of the drinks. Won’t you, Jim?”

“I will,” said Pooley. “I will.”

Neville brought a tray out and loaded up the pints. “Now that’s more like it, Jim,” he said. “A bit of class in the bar. Estate agents, are they? Or accountants?”

“Something like that,” said Jim, fishing out his wad and peeling off a ten-spot.

Neville held it up to the light. “This better be kosher,” he said.

“But it’s the change you gave me from the last round.”

“Exactly,” said Neville. “So watch it.”

Pooley struggled across with the tray and set it down on the table. “Don’t I get a seat?” he asked.

“Bring one over, Jim,” said John, who was sitting next to Litany. “I’d give you my seat, but I’m sitting here.”

Pooley dragged a chair across and squeezed himself in between Gandhis.

A description of the Gandhi men might be useful here.

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